Girl Disappearing
by Azfixiation
Summary: Sakura x Rider... ish. Sakura x Rin eventually. Sakura's spiral into madness after losing Rider, Shinji's abuse, and the events that led to the end of the FSN anime series.
1. Chapter 1

A/N – ok, I am trying this again. It might start off feeling somewhat similar to Across The Lines, but hopefully you'll be able to get that this one is going to be much different. (Hopefully) This is for ChupaChupa (who by the way is an awesome beta) who will not be satisfied until the Rin/Sakura fanbase has grown and someone else decides to write stories of them aside from me.

Hint hint guys.

**Girl Disappearing**

By: Azfixiation

x**x**x**x**x

_A hand pushes at my throat, silencing my cries, as an all too familiar body presses against mine. Waves of nausea surge through me as I'm held in restraint. My brother, if one could call him that, only lets out a growl of pleasure as I struggle. He knows I am not going anywhere. After all, this isn't the first time we've been here. _

"_I told you to relax, didn't I?" he coos by my ear, his hot breath making me shiver in disgust. His other hand trails down my naked abdomen; fingers reaching just far enough for him to notice the dampness between my legs. "You always enjoy it," he adds just before biting down on my neck. _

_I moan involuntarily, tears threatening my eyes as I glance to Rider hiding in the shadows. Shinji knows she is there. It was he who ordered it as her Master. While he only sees it as another sick source of pleasure, little does he know that she is the only reason I can stand this. It is her understanding gaze that gives me hope that one day I will escape this. That I am not as disgusting as he says for being unable to control the urges in my body._

_I keep my eyes on Rider as she helplessly watches him enter me with his fingers before my head lulls back onto his shoulder, the pleasure washing away the shame and disgust. If only it could wash away the stain he leaves on my heart. _

_He wins again, my body disobeying me as he relieves me of the horrible stress Zouken has cursed me with. "See little sister, how can it be rape if you enjoy is so much?" he asks as he hovers above me, his fingers quickly being replaced with something even dirtier, something more pleasurable._

"_I still hate you," I spit at him, my last stand to defy my wretched body. His hand flies to my face, bruising me in its wake no doubt._

_Rider jumps up at my yelp, hardly able to control herself from interfering. He may be her master but she is mine. Tears pool in my eyes as I notice her helpless expression, both of us knowing any interference will only make things worse. Instead I shut my eyes and wish for it to be over, the pleasure and the shame washing over me, causing a familiar self-hatred to rage inside of me once more._

_--_

"Sakura, wake up," a gentle voice calls out and immediately my arms wrap around the body hovering above me. My lips seek flesh, the remaining worms inside my body stirring at the memory as tears fall from my eyes. I hear a moan, and shaken from my haze, I realize it's not Rider. "What the hell are you doing!?"

I pull away to look at Rin in horror. She quickly moves from the bed, her concerned eyes flashing anger now instead. "I'm sorry," I whisper as the tears fall harder, my body instinctively curling into itself. "I thought you were her. I didn't mean it. She was always the one who was there but he took her away," I cry harder, my arms wrapping around my knees as I pull them closer to my chest.

"It's okay," she says as she sits back on the edge of my bed, her hand coming to rest on my shoulder. The sister thing is still new to us, at least the part of being free to try to act as such. After all that has happened I would much prefer to be alone so that I may grieve the loss of Rider as I wish. I would no longer have to worry about the desires inside of me, nor the darkness.

However, Rin won't let that happen. She stays by my side constantly, insistent upon helping me. At least four times she has offered to move her bed to my room, or offered to let me move into her room. Twice I have blacked out as my "dark" self, and once I have kissed her. Not counting what just now happened.

"Please Rin, just leave me be. You can't help me," I plead with her; half wishing she would listen and half wishing she would scoop me into her arms the way Rider used to hold me.

Doing neither, she settles for simply saying, "I'm not leaving you again, Sakura," with her blue eyes gazing into mine. I want to hug her but the intimate contact makes me feel awkward so I push her away instead. Literally.

She quickly moves out of my grasp, once again questioning my fragile sanity. "Isn't this what you want?" I shout as I wipe away the remaining tears. I sit on my knees on the bed to slowly make my way towards her. My body stirs in excitement as I get myself worked up once more. "Do you want to sit here and watch what your psycho little sister is truly like? Do you want to hear about how I miss the way Rider use to hold me; the way she used to touch me to wipe away the memories of Shinji's abuse?"

I pause for breath in front of her and smirk when she doesn't move away. I reach my arms up around her neck and hold in the moan as our bodies press together. "Are you waiting for me to black out and hurt you again? Or perhaps sister, you're waiting for me to kiss you again. Is that it? I'm pretty sure I heard you moaning earlier."

She holds her ground to my surprise, her stance proud as she gazes down at me. Her eyes hold a sense of stoicism mixed with frustration and also a bit of sadness. With the worms encouraging the hormones in my body I thrust my mouth towards hers, pressing firmly against her soft lips. Her lips part as she gasps in shock and I take advantage of the situation by sliding my tongue into her mouth, sliding it over her own. She doesn't respond to the kiss, yet doesn't pull away either and eventually I regain control over my own hormones.

"You're disgusting," I continue pushing her away from me once more. "I don't want your pity. You could never understand. Just go."

I lie back on the bed and close my eyes as if to go back to sleep in the hopes that she would get the point. I will hate myself for this in the morning, but tonight I am too tired to care. Even Shirou who lost Saber couldn't understand. Rider was all I had. She was the only bit of love I have ever held in my life. She was mine, and I lost her because of that sick scumbag.

A few moments pass before I hear the door sliding shut behind me and after a minute I take a cautious glance to make sure Rin has truly left. Bile rises in my throat at the thought of everything I put Rin through though I've no idea how to control the emotions that threaten me whenever she is near. I can only hope that she truly doesn't leave me and that one day I will rekindle the light that died inside of me when Rider was taken from me.

--

What the hell is her problem? She's sitting here serving breakfast acting as if nothing happened. She giggles at Taiga who's fighting with Illya over something completely insignificant. She talks to Shirou about the news. With me she smiles, warm and caring and without a hint of the malice that was dripping from her voice last night. Does she remember it?

Dealing with her mood swings is becoming commonplace. I'm not entirely sure why I'm putting myself through this anymore since nothing I do seems to help her. It's not as if you can help someone who doesn't want the help in the first place. Perhaps it's simply time that I stop.

"Excuse me," I say finally, making up my mind as I leave the kitchen. Just because she was abused doesn't mean I have to let myself fall so far that I let her take it out on me and abuse me. I wish there was someone I could talk to about it all. Maybe someone with some divine advice but who would understand? They would only think ill of her, and me too for letting her do the things she does to me.

What would they do? If they loved someone would they allow them to have their minute of happiness in a forbidden kiss or would they push them away like some sort of dejected freak and only cause them to hate themselves more?

And so I go about getting ready for school as I let the thoughts bounce around in my head. The same thoughts that haven't left for the few weeks since this has started. Certainly she wasn't this way before Caster got a hold of her, or was she? Has she just decided to show me this? I can't imagine so; it's such a shameful way to act with someone.

I grab my bag before I leave my room, and freeze in my tracks just outside of her door. I pause to listen to the murmurs on the other side and though I know what is happening I find myself unable to move. Has she truly lost her mind?

It's only a few seconds before Shirou bumps into me, knocking me into motion as he pulls her bedroom door open. He nearly tackles her to the floor and Illya stops next to me, wrapping her arms around my left one. Shirou looks to me for help as Sakura begins to cry in his arms. All I find myself able to do is shrug.

After all, she says I'm the disgusting one. Maybe I was the wrong one to try to help in the first place. "Let her kill herself trying to bring Rider back. She won't listen to reason anyways," I force out finally.

Her eyes quickly shoot up to meet mine, betrayal and pain flashing plainly in them and for a moment I find myself wavering in my resolve. _I'm sorry_, they beg but the weight of everyone's stare is too much for me. Shirou and Illya's confusion is evident as they look back and forth between the two of us, finally seeing the smallest glimpse of what I have been going through.

Before the frustration of everything could really gather in me I bent down to pick up my forgotten bag and did what I've become so well known for at school - I acted like a stubborn brat and turned my back on my sister. As I pulled my shoes on to leave the house a pang of guilt flashed through me but it was too late to change what had been done.

_It has to be done though, or she will think she can always treat me the way he treated her._

Angry at myself, and more so at the situation we find ourselves in I clench my fists as I head out the door. Certainly Shirou will be able to take care of her just this once. I deserve this little break, don't I?


	2. Chapter 2

A/N – Okay, I know what some of you are thinking. What kind of sick perv keeps having these sisters get so naughty. Though, I've stopped to defend myself for a moment here. Let's think of how many animes this is so _common_ in. Utena for example with Anthy and Akio. Marmalade Boy, though Miki and Yuu only believed themselves to be related. Candy Boy has two sisters very clearly in love. I could go on, as there have been many more over the years, but as you see, if I am crazy for this then at least I'm not the only one. Besides, they're just so damn… cute. Now, on with the angst!

As for the plot, consider this kind of Auish (only slightly) since though I've seen the anime I'm kind of combining things from the games that I've read on and also just making some stuff up. It's fiction made from fiction. Just enjoy it.

PS- ChupaChupa says I'm just a perv. That may be slightly true as well. At least she still betas for me. XD

**Girl Disappearing**

By: Azfixiation

x**x**x**x**x

As the days passed I continued to avoid Sakura as best as I could. I began to wake up early so that I could skip breakfast and just grab something on the way to school. Luckily our classes didn't match up, and it was easy to avoid her during lunch as we had grown into our own groups of friends growing up. At school everyone expected us to dislike one another, though neither of us had ever told anyone the cause of the tension. Though we had become closer during the grail war, we had decided to act the same during school as neither of us particularly wanted the added attention our sudden friendship would draw.

In an attempt to not be overly rude I made sure to always attend dinner at least, though that was also partly a selfish action as I truly did love Sakura's cooking. I tried to ignore the sadness in her eyes as she sat across from me. I know she wanted to talk to me, yet I wasn't ready to relent in my stubborn actions.

Well not completely, at least. After two days of completely ignoring her, the sadness in her eyes was even too much for me to bear and I knew that she hated herself enough for the both of us. Though not ready to go back to playing the doting sister, I did make sure to always stop next to her before leaving and kiss the top of her head before retiring to my room for the evening.

Though I spent most of my time thinking on it, I couldn't begin to think of a way to help Sakura. It seemed obvious, at least in part that I would need to find a way to kill or stop the remaining worms. But the reality was that though it would help her sexual desires, it would do little for her already abused mental state.

"Hey, Tohsaka, can I come in?" I hear Shirou call through my door and without awaiting my response I see him slowly opening it.

"Just because this is your house," I start sarcastically as I glare at him.

He holds up his hands in surrender before taking the chair at my desk. "I need to talk to you about Sakura," he starts off nervously. "I don't want to stick my head into your business but I don't think I'm really doing any good here."

"I'm sure she can look after herself," I say defensively, not wanting to have to talk about this with them.

"If you won't take care of her, at least tell me what happened so I know how to deal with it. She's practically obsessed with trying to bring Rider back and it's only gotten worse since you started acting like a selfish brat and began ignoring her."

His fevered tone put me on the defensive as I've never heard him speaking so harshly to anyone before. I rose from my bed to stand in front of him. "You have no right to accuse me of anything. We both know that what she's trying won't work and even if she could pull this off there's a slim chance she would even get Rider. Her mana is too unstable to do a proper summoning on her own, so if she wants to try let her."

"So, what? Are you just pissed because she's more worried about Rider than letting good old onee-sama take care of her?" I hear a new voice ask and before I even look I know its Illya standing in the doorway, no doubt eavesdropping.

"Who the hell asked you brat? Both of you need to just stay out of this. You don't know anything." I say in exasperation.

"That's why we're trying to learn. If you'd stop being so self-centered you would understand that we want to know what's going on because _both_ of you are miserable. Who the heck wants to live with two miserable girls? Right onii-chan?"

Shirou quietly nods his agreement, and I realize I've been the one making a fool of myself. It is normal for friends to want to help, and by avoiding the situation and trying to handle everything on my own I've only made it worse for everyone. "It's kind of complicated," I say as I sit back down on my bed. "I'm not sure I can really tell you everything without Sakura's permission."

"Just tell us what we can do to help then," Shirou practically begs and for the first time I wonder if he cares more for my sister than I had thought. Illya nods as well and I know I have to at least let them in on some of this.

"There's not much we can do," I reply after a moment. "I wish there was but no matter what I do I can't find any answers. There are… _things_ inside of her that control her mana flow and cause certain side effects. I've been looking for a way to purge them from her but I've come up with nothing. And even if I had the answer to that…"

I couldn't bring myself to tell them any more. If I told Shirou about her abuse he would certainly take off in hero mode to slay the rest of the Matou line. "We'll find it, right?" Illya said with a smile. "Three of us looking for an answer is better than one."

"Right," I say and though I feel awkward and dislike sharing my burden with the others their smiles let me know this is what they want to be doing. We are our own makeshift family now after all.

And so I tell them of everything I know about the worms and though I despise to admit it to them, I tell them of the adverse side effects they have on Sakura's sex drive. Illya gives me a scowl for putting idea's in Shirou's mind while Shirou blushes at the idea of a sexually charged Sakura. "If you even think about it…"

"No need to worry about that," Illya said as she reached up to drag him from the room by his ear.

With the burden eased, and Illya's words ringing in my ear of being self-centered I decide it's finally time to face Sakura. Assuming she even wants me around still. When I finally make it to her door I crack it just slightly to peek in but she quickly spots me and waves me towards her. "Onee-chan…" she says in surprise, quickly making room on her bed for me to take a seat next to her.

As I sit I chance a glance at her and notice the tears welling up in her eyes. I mentally kick myself for having caused her more pain than she needed. "How are you?" I ask awkwardly unsure if I should just pretend that everything is fine or if we should talk about things.

"I'm okay," she says as she smiles. I can't help but notice the smile doesn't reach quite to her eyes and though I want to hug her I'm also afraid of it having an adverse effect. One more glance into her sad eyes though and I can't help myself. I quickly envelop her in my embrace, holding her close to me and as soon as her face finds the crook of my neck her tears begin to fall. "Don't leave me onee-chan," she whispers against my skin. "I'm sorry I'm so broken. I'm sorry I'm mean to you. I'm sorry I... I… kiss you sometimes," she cries out as if at confession.

"I'm not going to leave you. I just needed some time to think okay?" I do my best to comfort her, unsure of how to proceed. "I just wish I could help or find a way to make it better for you," I confess.

"I'm sorry," she cries again, clutching my shirt as I keep her close to me. "I don't know how to control it. Before Shinji just… and it would go away for a while. I try everything I can and then it keeps coming back."

"Is that why you are so desperate to bring Rider back?" I ask, the implications causing me to blush.

Sakura also blushes as she nods. "She would come to me when she could and sometimes she would just be with me and sometimes we would…" she trailed off as the blush on her cheeks grew.

"You look cute blushing," I say as I run my fingers through her hair. "I hate to not be able to help you but you know you can't keep trying to summon her, right?"

"I miss her," she chokes out as she throws herself back into my arms. "She took care of me."

"Well we can take care of each other from now on, okay?" She nods against me and with a sigh I nudge her so she is laying in bed. "I'll stay with you but you need to sleep now."

Her tears continue to fall and I'm not sure if she was even listening to me. I let her stay close, her head resting on my chest as her tears begin to soak through my shirt. I rub her back to soothe her as best as I can, lost in thoughts of my own of how to help ease Sakura from her misery. I only hope the others can find a way to cleanse the worms. Quickly I place a kiss on the top of Sakura's head as she calms before I let myself drift off to sleep beside her.

--

Rin has somehow let herself fall asleep in my bed – not that I'm complaining. I can't begin to say how happy I am that she has forgiven me once again. Though as I take in our proximity I wonder if she has forgiven me too soon. Her fingers are lightly pressed against the small of my back beneath my shirt while her other arm is lightly draped around my torso.

I let myself nuzzle into her, inhaling her scent as I hug her close. The first thing I notice is that she is slightly softer than Rider, her muscles not as finely toned. I let myself reach up to play with her hair, remembering the days when my hair was the same such color and I vaguely wonder if it will ever return to normal.

As I settle back into her I quickly find my body more than happy to betray my desire to be normal. I repeat _onee-sama_ in my mind as if it were a mantra, desperately trying to will myself to not desire what is forbidden. A part of my mind tries to rationalize all the reasons it would be okay, arguing that one could no more call Rin and I sisters than they could call Shinji my brother. A name did not make him family. Nor do the faint blood lines that flow through Rin and I, diluted by our years spent apart from one another as if we had not spent the first few years of our life together at all.

Yet here she is to comfort me, to hold me, which causes a surge of emotion to well up inside my chest. She holds me the way Rider used to, and though it is different it still resembles the embrace of a lover. With a blush I wonder about Rin's first kiss, silently hoping it wasn't me who stole it in such an ugly fashion. Reaching upwards I stroke Rin's cheek and press a chaste kiss to the side of her neck. "I'm sorry for feeling this way."

--

Sakura, who in her mind had every intention of letting herself drift off to sleep in her sister's embrace, found that her body once again wanted to betray her. As she shifted to get comfortable her hand accidentally grazed over Rin's breasts before resting on her side. Her fingers became curious as to what the flesh beneath her sisters shirt felt like, slowly working their way under the fabric so the pad of her thumb could trace small circles over the smooth skin.

The faint twinge of desire she had felt was suddenly ignited as she let herself push boundaries, her hand now sliding over the surface of Rin's stomach. Her hips were instinctively pressing against her sister, their legs having been entwined which let Sakura press herself against Rin's thigh.

Half wishing to beg Rin to wake up to stop her, and half terrified that Rin would wake up and stop her, Sakura once again lost herself in her desires as she tested the limits. Her lips once again found Rin's neck, this time though she let her tongue slide out to taste skin as she pressed gentle kisses along her sister's pulse point. Rin let out a small sigh of contentment, which sounded achingly close to a moan and before Sakura completely lost herself in her desires she quickly pulled away from Rin, practically jumping out of the bed.

She quickly moved to lock herself in the bathroom, tears streaming down her eyes at her inability to control her desires when it came to Rin. It frustrated her more so since control was never an issue with anyone else, and the prospect of her lacking control because of her emotional attachment to her sister frightened her. Torn between wanting to punish herself and relieving the pressure that had built between her legs, Sakura decided to do both.

Her hand quickly slid beneath the elastic of her pants, fingers deftly moving towards their goal. Once reached, Sakura's shame quickly washed away from her as always, the potent worms bringing forth her darker self as she brought herself to a quick yet satisfying orgasm as she bit on her bottom lip to keep herself from calling out her sisters name.

As she came down from her high, she found herself slumped on the bathroom floor, leaning against the wall. The shame and self-hatred was quick to wash over her and in a moment of desperation she found her hands reaching for a razor, her fingers quickly dismantling the plastic to reveal a full blade. She quickly lifted herself up enough to pull her pants to her ankles, and with a deep breath she sat back down and pressed the blade against the skin of her inner thigh. _To remind me,_ she thought to herself.

Biting down on her lip she slid the blade in a painful arc against her thigh. She was desperate to remind herself that these things caused pain, not pleasure and had quickly decided that for every time she lost control, she would punish herself. One cut became two, which lead to three and four as she remembered the many times she had done awful things to Rin and found pleasure in them. As the cutting went on, Sakura watched the blood pooling from the cuts as they became deeper and deeper.

In her haze of loathing and desperation Sakura began to wonder if it were possible to cut the worms from her flesh, if somehow she could just dig deep enough to purge herself of the evils inside of her. Tear streaked and blood stained, Sakura dug the blade into her flesh in fervor, hoping and wishing for something, anything to stop the confusion in her mind and the pain in her heart.

She was unsure of how the cuts had migrated from her thighs to her stomach then to her arms. Cutting and prodding anywhere the worms could be, Sakura ignored the pain as she let her head fall against the wall, blindly marring her skin. It wasn't until her vision began to blur that she came to realize that perhaps she had gone too far. _Or perhaps I have finally gone far enough,_ she thought as her vision failed her. She fell unconscious onto the floor, lying half naked in her own blood, strangely with the most serene smile that her face had ever held.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N – I really don't know where this is going anymore. I keep thinking "I want it to go like this," but then it ends up going like _that. _I think this is why I stick to oneshots. For Lindred, I decided this would be the last of the "super angst" chapters. Don't expect the rest to be fluff though.

**Girl Disappearing**

By: Azfixiation

x**x**x**x**x

I awoke to the shrill sound of Illya screaming my name from the top of her lungs. The grogginess only stayed with me for a second as I realized that I was in Sakura's room, alone, with our roommate screaming for me. Quickly I found my feet and followed her voice, panic rising as I turned the corner to the bathroom. The sight of Sakura's body lying limp and bloody in Illya's arms shocked me to the very core.

"Do something!" she screamed at me, bringing me back to my senses.

I fell to my knees beside them, taking Sakura into my own arms, using my magic to at least slow her bleeding as I instructed Illya to call the hospital. "Can't you just fix it?" she asked in confusion.

"I can stop the blood flow but I can't make new blood! Call them!" I nearly screamed at her as I held Sakura close to me. I let my eyes scan her frail body; her thighs all the way to her arms have been cut and are quickly bruising from the rough treatment. "Why did you do this? Such an idiot!" I chastise her under my breath as I continue to heal her enough to stop the blood flow and ease the pain.

I know better than to heal her completely, the hospital will recognize this as a suicide attempt surely, and maybe they will be able to recommend to her the things that I can't such as the psychological help that she clearly needs. I notice my tears are now falling onto her and I wonder where I went wrong. I was there for her, wasn't I?

"They're on their way," I heard Illya's voice, small and broken at the sight before us.

"Where is Shirou?" I asked. I take a deep breath to calm myself, the fear turning into an explosive anger that I'm unsure if I can control. I want to lash out, to shake Sakura until she wakes up and beat her bloody myself for doing this to herself. I'm angry at myself for not being enough. I'm angry at Shirou for not being here for us.

"I don't know. I'll check the garage," she says and quickly excuses herself once more.

"Wake up you idiot," I yell at her while holding her still in my arms, careful not to move her until the paramedics arrive. Once they do I let them take over, staying out of their way as they carry her to the ambulance. Some shake their head sadly at the sight and I wonder if they have seen these things before. When they learn I am her sister they let me ride with her, and I hold her hand all the way to the hospital as they hook her up to an IV and breathing machine.

Once at the hospital they move to quickly examine her, noting the blood loss while bad, wasn't so much that she would need a transfusion. It took some time to explain why our parents weren't around, but eventually I got them to talk to me as if I were her guardian, which in a way I truly was. They told me the hospital psychologist would have to examine her when she woke up and that for all such cases an approval was needed before they could release suicide patients.

I fell asleep in her room eventually, my head resting on her bed as I sat in a chair next to it. When I awoke, I noticed that it was due to fingers softly combing through my hair and I let out a soft sigh. The sound caused the fingers to retreat, and though I wanted to I couldn't bring myself to look at Sakura. I was too afraid of the anger that was still simmering beneath the surface.

"Why?" I ask, but it comes out sounding like a choked sob.

"I didn't mean for it to get so out of control," she answers. Her voice is quiet and scratchy. She's probably thirsty. I want to offer to get her some water, food, or anything at all but I find that I can't move. "I'm sorry Rin. I know you are sick of hearing it. I wanted to make the worms go away. I wanted to be normal…"

"Normal!? This isn't normal! Lying in a hospital bed passed out while your sister goes crazy with worry isn't normal! Do you not understand that I love you? Do you like to make me suffer?" By now I am looking at her, my eyes puffy and red I'm sure, as I let my emotions show freely. She looks away from me, which only angers me more. I take her chin in my hand and force her to face me. "Why do you do this to yourself? To us?"

I hear a cough from behind us and the moment is broken as we both turn to face the doctor. "I'm sorry Miss Tohsaka but I need to speak to your sister in private, unless she wishes for you to be here," he says as he takes a seat on one of the rolling stools in the room.

"No, it's okay. I'll go get us breakfast. Is it ok for her to eat?" I ask.

"Yes, she can eat. Her physical state, while there was a fair amount of blood loss, is well enough for her to be able to go about her normal activities. What we are concerned about however, is her emotional state."

I nod at him, knowing that as much as I would love to know what's going on in Sakura's head, the odds of her talking to some run of the mill doctor were slim to none. "I'll be right back," I say, dipping down to kiss her forehead in reassurance that despite being pissed, I still loved her.

--

I watch Rin walk out of the room, thankful that she at least was willing to let things go long enough for me to deal with the doctor on my own. I don't know what to say to her, or how to apologize anymore. I'm not even sure if I should at this point. I'm sure the words are meaningless to everyone by now.

I feel as if I should hate myself for falling so low, yet I'm only starting to feel more at peace with my fate. I hadn't meant to do this, yet the idea of being gone from here, of not being a burden to Rin is so promising. Yet I have only increased the burden and she still remains at my side. Angry, but angry out of love.

I want to weep, and so I do, the doctor sitting quietly as I struggle to compose myself. "It seems as if you have been through a lot, Matou-san," he says at length, earning a small nod from me. "Care to tell me about it?"

"Not really," I say at length. "But it can't be helped, can it?"

"Well, we do need to ensure that you are… of sound mind before we can release you," he states, pushing his thick-framed glasses up on his nose. His shoulders are broad, and he wears a genuine smile which almost makes me wish I could tell him everything.

And so I consented, answering his questions about my family background, my school life, friends, and my fragile relationship with Rin. I answered as vaguely as I could, even lying at times when I needed. I couldn't explain to him that there are things inside of me. I can't tell him I long for Rin's touch.

Sensing my hesitance, he puts his hand over mine and I can't help but smile at the simple gesture. It's nice to feel the touch of someone who isn't afraid of me, or what I might do to them. I find myself becoming surprised as we talk, wondering why it is that my body is not reacting to his proximity. He is handsome, without a doubt, and his soft blue eyes are warm and surprisingly caring. I suppose he is better off to look as disarming as possible when trying to pry into people's lives.

Yet while we talk, while I answer his questions, my mind wanders away from my current situation. I begin to realize that in fact, aside from Rider, my body has never so strongly reacted to anyone else. Except for Rin. There was a time when I had loved, and still do, Rider for the things she was able to give to me. I wonder now just what sort of love I hold for Rin, or if it even matters.

"Can love be wrong?" I ask, only now realizing that I don't even know the doctors name.

"Love?" he asks curiously. "Is that what this was about?" His head tilts to the side, and I wonder if he thinks I am some confused drama ridden teen trying to kill myself over unrequited love.

However, neither of us get a chance to continue as Rin enters the room, a drink tray in one hand and a bag of food in the other. I try to stop my eyes from revealing my emotions, but a part of me wonders how I couldn't have realized that maybe I love Rin. What if all this time I have been blaming my body, when it is my heart that is responsible?

"I'll be back in a few hours to check on you," the doctor says as he stands. "Enjoy your breakfast."

"How'd it go?" Rin asks as she hands me my food, taking a seat on the bed next to me. "Sorry it took so long, I wanted to call Shirou and let them know everything was okay."

"I'm not going to say that I'm sorry anymore, Rin," I say after taking a bite of my sandwich.

"Huh?" she asks in confusion as she turns to stare at me. Her mouth is slightly agape despite being filled with food and I can't help but laugh at the adorable expression. I wonder, if I stop making excuses and just accept myself a little bit more, if maybe I can make up for all that I have done.

And so I say this to her. I watch her closely, the way her body relaxes as I speak, daring to hope that maybe this time I mean it. I let her eyes search my own, and as I look into their depths I vow to be strong enough to not let her down again. We finish the rest of our food in a comfortable silence.

"Shirou thinks he's found a way to destroy the worms," she says at length after finishing her drink. "It sounds a bit uncomfortable though."

"I don't care. I'll try anything. Cutting them out obviously didn't work," I say with a laugh.

Before I know what happens she turns around and lets her fist pound on my chest, and I'm thankful that I didn't have any food in my mouth. "You stupid! Don't joke about it so easily! Do you know how scared I was?"

I watch as tears pool in her eyes and flinch at her words. The shame floods through me once more. This time I try something new though, and pull her to me so that we fall back into the bed together. "I'll make it up to you, somehow," I say gently as her head falls onto my chest.

"Just learn to trust me," she says gently, curling herself against my body. "I won't hate you but I can't keep holding everything together on my own. I need you to help me. Telling me what you're thinking and feeling would really help," she begs.

I contemplate her words for a few minutes, stroking my fingers through her hair and briefly I wonder if she can hear my heart beating beneath her ear. Her eyes close and I realize that she must be exhausted from taking care of me and worrying all night. How much have I taken from her without giving in return?

I feel my body reacting as she nuzzles close to me, the reality of us lying in a hospital bed forgotten as I comfort her. "Take a look at my body. Take a look at my hands. There's so much here that I don't understand," I whisper.

Rin reaches to take my hand in her own, our fingers lacing together as she moves closer to me. I know I shouldn't love her, yet lying in this embrace, with the only person to ever see me in such a way and still be at my side, I wonder how it would be possible for me not to.

Maybe its exhaustion, maybe it's the drugs the hospital has me on, or maybe it's the sight of Rin half asleep in my arms, but slowly I begin to tell her what happened. It's not as if I could fall much farther anyways. I told her about how I wanted her near me, that I wanted to touch her. That everything I've done, my attitude and my self hatred, was all to try to find a way to stop desiring her. "I know," she whispers in response, surprisingly not moving away from me. "You've done it before, right? Touching me and stuff… It isn't surprising. That's why we need to get rid of the worms."

"What if we do and… what if I still want to touch you?" I ask, afraid of that happening, afraid of truly being in love with Rin.

"I love you, idiot. I'm sure it'll go away," she says. She laughs and it is beautiful, and I can't stand to ruin it. But I need to.

"Yes, I'm sure it will," I reply. "But there's something I need to know first."

She lifts her head to look at me and I think of the doctor's kind eyes, his easy acceptance of a stranger such as myself. I think of Rin's constant forgiveness, and I pray that she will forgive me once more. Without the fear of who I am, without my body's reactions pushing me beyond my limits, without holding back, just once I want to know what it is like to kiss her.

I reach out to touch her cheek and can't help but smile at the curious look on her face. I see the cuts lining my outstretched arm and find it surprising that it took such ugly actions to make me feel so at peace with myself. Perhaps I did manage to purge some of the darkness inside of me. I move slowly, making sure not to force myself on her this time. I expect her to move, but maybe she is too stunned or confused to do so.

And when my lips brush against hers, my world explodes. My body responds, the desire racing through me like a fire. I pull away quickly, before she has the chance to push me away. My heart is racing when I pull away, and the sight of her blushing causes me to do so as well.

"Did you get what you needed?" she asks quietly, turning her head away from me. I nod, though she won't notice. I can't apologize, but I'm not sure she expects me to. "I should go call on the others. Let them know that they should be letting you go soon and maybe Shirou will be ready with the spell to remove the worms."

I lay frozen in place, unable to do anything aside from nod. She stands to leave and a surge of panic hits me in the gut, causing me to call out to her. "Rin, wait!" She pauses at the door, her hand on the knob as she turns around to face me. "I love you," I mumble. It's the first time I've ever spoken those words to her.

"I know," she says before cocking her head to the side. "You don't think I've spent all this time taking care of you without seeing it, do you?"

With that she takes her leave, and I want to stop her again. I want to ask her how she knows, if she truly knows it, and if she knows in which way I love her. Yet the protest dies on my lips as I watch her retreat, deciding that baby steps were the best way to proceed. Once alone my fingers find their way to my lips, the memory of hers pressed on mine still fresh and the knowledge that that she didn't pull away gives me the faintest inkling of hope.


End file.
